WHERE ARE THE FATHERS?

Catholic Women Blog

Many theories did their rounds to explain away the poor state of children. The factor that has been largely ignored – but is now gaining credence – is the devastating effects of father-absence in children’s lives. 

My interest in this area grew after I joined Prison Ministry in India about six years ago and started visiting the local prison for under-trials. What I observed was that a majority of youngsters who are in prison have one of these three glaringly common factors: they have grown without a father, or their father has been emotionally absent, or they have abusive fathers. In essence, they have grown without a responsible, caring leader. My colleagues and I have seen a steady increase in the number of youngsters for one particular offense: sex with a minor. In India such cases come under the POCSO (The Protection of Children from Sexual Offense) Act; and they are justifiably viewed as a major offense, regardless of whether the girl has given consent or not. 

Even as I was mulling over what was going on with the present generation, a local resident was charged under the Act and was sentenced to 20 years rigorous imprisonment. It sent shockwaves in the community. He was 21 years old at the time. His family background is exactly what studies talk about. He and his brother (who also has inclinations of doing something very dangerous one day) grew without their father (who works abroad). All their life, they have got what they wanted from a mother who only doted on them. 

Later, as they stepped into their juvenile shoes, they got what they wanted at times by bullying her, at times by emotionally blackmailing her. 

In God’s plan, the family unit is incomplete without either parent. Men and women are different and it is precisely these complementary traits that help the child grow wholesomely. Sadly, the father’s role has mostly been undermined not only in family courts, but also underappreciated in many homes. Any family counselor will tell you what a powerful influence a father’s presence has. 

Of the many traits that a child may see in the father, probably the most important one is that of a leader. In some mysterious way, a child looks to the father for leadership; for emotional support the child looks to the mother. I firmly believe that it is by God’s design, and it is just the way it is. Now, whether we agree with the God bit or not, we know from statistics, as we also know from many psycho-sociological studies, that a family in which the husband is not respected as a leader; a family where the father shirks his responsibility, a family where the father is emotionally absent, or is abusive, then there are serious problems waiting to happen with the kids. 

Some fathering advocates say that almost every social ill faced by children is related to fatherlessness. As supported by data:   

1. Fatherless children have more difficulties with social adjustment, and are more likely to report problems with friendships, and manifest behavior problems; many develop a bully persona in an attempt to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness.

2. Seventy one percent of high school dropouts and 85% of youth in prisons have an absent father. This cannot be a coincidence. 

3. Teen pregnancies are far, far more common among fatherless daughters. 

4. Fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and abuse drugs in childhood and adulthood.

5. Ninety percent of runaway children have an absent father. 

6. Mental health problems, particularly anxiety, depression and suicide are common in fatherless homes, or homes with an abusive, alcoholic father. 

The common understanding is that infants are more attached to their mothers. The truth is fathers and infants can be equally attached as mothers and 

infants.  A father may not be as expressive as a mother, but that’s because of how he is built. His authoritative presence, combined with love, leads to children’s emotional stability. 

Caitlin Marvaso, a counselor from California, says, “Fathers provide their daughters with a masculine example. They teach their children about respect and boundaries and help put daughters at ease with other men throughout their lives. So if she didn’t grow up with a proper example, she will have less insight and she’ll be more likely to go for a man that will replicate the abandonment of her father.”

There is no question that fathers occupy a crucial role in child development, even when they may not be present at home all the time. The quality of the time they spend with their children is the determining factor, not any specific amount of time. Even non-resident fathers can be involved in their lives. 

There are no experts when dealing with another human being.  Each person is unique.  The following tips come from my own thirty years experience as a dad and also learning from various family counselors.  What is vital to remember is that a dad must remain actively involved in his child’s life – whether he lives in the same home or not. 

Ideally, this is what should happen in a home:

1. Both parents should respect each other and speak positively about the other with their children. When the father talks positively to his children about their mother, children grow knowing that respect for their mother is expected, and vice versa.  
2. The father needs to tell their children that he is always there for them.  This gives children a sense of security and comfort. 
3. You want to increase your bond with your children? As often as you can, tell them your story – not just of your achievements, but also the mistakes you made, how you handled your mishaps and so on. This way you project yourself as a human; not a superman. This also encourages openness with your kids; it conveys an all-important message: it’s not the end of the world, if a mistake happens. 
4. Engage in conversations; show interest in your children’s life without being inquisitive about each and everything they do, appreciating that they will want some space. When they know you are interested in their life, they will feel a sense of belonging. 
5. Don’t shy from talking about God and moral issues as they grow. My son, daughter, my god-child and my daughter-in-law have often told me how grateful they are that I was able to engage them in discussing some of life’s fundamental questions because – they say – they have seen how their peers struggle with these questions. Is this important? Actually, it’s more than important; it’s critical! More and more studies are showing that believing in God has  positive outcomes. 
6. Engage in some physical activity that everyone agrees on. Go out, have some fun. Physical activities do more to build rapport than just sitting at home and having a discussion. 
7. Children love it when you show interest in them and give them that attention; but don’t like it when you want them to realize your grand plans for them.  When that happens, it makes them feel that your focus is on their achievements; not on them. Nothing is more powerful than to feel wanted by someone for the way you are; not for what you can do with your life. However, there is nothing wrong in expecting them to put their best efforts in what they are doing; and correcting them when they falter. Someday they will thank you for it. 
8. Know your children’s body language and reach out if you feel that something is amiss.  If your child is not willing to open up at that time, it could only mean that he or she needs some time to process what they have experienced. The best thing to do at that moment is to tell them that you are there when they are ready to talk. 
9. Learn to trust your child. If you go into that protective mode, you will end up smothering your child’s freedom and his mental growth. 

In response to the question, ‘How can we help to promote world peace?’, St. Mother Teresa replied, “Go home and love your children.”

That about sums it up.

Oliver Sutari 

Spiritual Counselor, Motivational speaker.
Email: oliversutari@gmail.com